Funny Stories

I guess I'll start off with when I first noticed I was different to all
the other boys, it was the first day of football practice(the American
one, not the one for pussies they play in Europe), after practice in the
showers, you know the first thing you learn about playing football is
that you are going to have to shower naked with a bunch of other naked
men, you know, and you learn that it's common courtesy to just face
forward and never look down when in the showers, of course me being the
self conscious fat fuck that I am, I couldn't help but take a look. I
was appalled at what I learned, not everyone else who was in the shower
with me's penis was Black.

I never really understood why my dick
was Black, I mean after taking a good look in the shower, all the other
Mexican's had Mexican penises, and the White guy(singular because
there was only one White guy in the team, cause you know everyone knows
minorities excel at sports and the White guys just sit in the stands
and watch on while another minority pleases his wife at home.) had a
White Penis and the Black guys had baby arms, nah I'm joking there were
just regular sized penises(wait, is penises even the correct plural form
for penis? I mean, or is it something like Penes, or peni?, I don't
know man, I have the same problem with the word platypus, what the fuck
is the plural form of that? platypi, platupuses, or platypussies? Shit,
give an award to the first man to figure that one out, although
platypussies is my personal favorite, don't have any preferences for
penis however, don't listen to the rumors, that was just a prison thing,
nah I kid, I kid, but yeah sorry lets get back on track,) you know, but
they were just Black.(Don't believe everything you see in porn kids)

It
was weird, I was confused, I thought that maybe I was just not washing
it thoroughly enough or something, so one night after practice and
another day of trying to hide my shame from the other boys, I took some
of Dr. Bronner's Organic Magic Castile Liquid Soap(Dr. Bronner, what a
name) and went at it and scrubbed my man meat down with some steel wool,
I went at it furiously like only a man on a mission of life or death
could, I eventually stopped when I couldn't bare the stinging any longer
and then I cowered into the corner and sat there rocking back and forth
sobbing quietly as I realized my penis was still Black. Couldn't wack
off for weeks(this was a time period where I still masturbated
constantly, all day everyday.), I urinated blood everytime I went in for
a tinkle. The whole experience left me emotionally distraught.

So
long story short, I finally decided to ask my doctor about my plight
because I was getting concerned, after checking my junk out she said
everything looked good(*wink* well at least I took it that way/imagined
it for my the well being of my ego) and said some shit about it being
perfectly normal for your genitals to be several shades darker than
your skin tone, and it's not because it's dirty or it's falling off
with some kind of new undocumented STD you get when you put your penis
into a whole you cut out in your brother's old Tickle Me Elmo and
pretend it's a short redheaded woman, in fact she said a penis can come
in a variety of colors, and it varies from person to person, sometimes
the penis can be much lighter or even purple looking. I sat there
relieved that I was not the only man out there with this plight, and
thought of even looking for some sort of support group online, we'd
could meet up on Wednesdays and eat my mother's ghetoo lemon squares and
brownies with the cigarette butts and pot roaches in them from when my
uncle Ruben with the drinking problem who fought in Vietnam confused the
batter bowl for some giant ashtray.