Emails from an asshole

From Julia ****** to Me:

No...explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection.

From Me to Julia ******:

Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films.

You've really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I'll find the plot summaries for you.

Backdoor Creampies - Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen - selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn't all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.

Big Black Threesome - Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.

Finally 18 and Legal - A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.

Mattress Slaves 3 - Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)

Wet Squirters 5 - The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters.

Rocked

Posted at: 2011-05-21 08:50:30 | 384 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
Clean fill

Need clean fill rocks are fine. not much. cannot pick up must deliver. will take off you hands for free.

From Me to brad ********:

Hello,

I have some rocks I need to get rid of. I have several different types of rocks ranging from 1/2" to 6" rocks. Just let me know what kind you want, how much you need, and when I can send my guy to deliver.

Thanks,

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

well i need them to fill a small whole in my backyard so bigger rocks i guess? 6 inch would be good. i only need like 2 wheelbarow loads so not too many. when can you deliver?

From Me to brad ********:

6" it is. I can have a truck there to deliver any time between 9-5 Monday through Friday. Where are you located?

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

do i have to be there for the delivery? i work every day so those times arent gonna work for me. if its cool could you drop them off tomorrow? just tell your guy to put them on the grass at the edge of my driveway next to the shed

heres my address:

517 *********** ln
coatesville, pa

From Me to brad ********:

No, you do not have to be there. I will forward this information to my driver and you can expect the rocks tomorrow.

From brad ******** to Me:

great


The rest of this conversation is the following day. I looked up his address in Google street view to figure out what his driveway looked like.


From Me to brad ********:

Hey Brad,

Just wanted to let you know, we actually need to get rid a few more rocks, so my guy is going to deliver them to your house in about 15 minutes.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

wait what how many more? i dont want any more i have nowhere to put them

From Me to brad ********:

We sent a truckload with about 8 tons of 6" rocks. Don't worry, all the rocks are free of charge.

From brad ******** to Me:

8 TONS? what the fuck you better tell your guy not to deliver them

From brad ******** to Me:

you got that? DONT DELIVER THE ROCKS

From Me to brad ********:

I just got off the phone with my guy, he said he just delivered the rocks. He told me you didn't leave him enough room for all 8 tons by the shed, so he just dumped them in front of your garage.

Best,

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

WHAT THE FUCK!!!! i told you dont delever them you fucking dipshit! the fuck am i gonna do with all those rocks? you better get rid of them by the time i get home man..... how am i suposed to park my fucking car?

From Me to brad ********:

I am sorry that we had to block your garage, but you should have left more room next to the shed if you wanted them dumped there. Unfortunately we lack the necessary machinery to load the rocks back into the truck so removal is not an option. Also, my driver said he accidentally backed into your shed and broke one of the windows. We apologize for this. Consider the free extra rocks as compensation for the damage.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDING ME MOTHER FUCKER YOUR PAYING FOR THE SHED

I LEFT YOU PLENTY FUCKING ROOM FOR THE AMT OF ROCKS I ASKEDFOR. YOU DIDNT SAY YOU WERE DELIVERIG 8 FUCKING TONS OF ROCKS YOU PEICE OF SHIT!!!! USE YOUR HANDS I DONT GIVE A FUCK HOW YOU DO IT BUT IF I FIND 8 TONS OF ROCKS IN MY DRIVE WAY THERE IS GONNA FUCKING HELL TO PAY

FUCKING ASSHOLE

From Me to brad ********:

Brad,

If you insist on us removing the rocks then we are going to have to charge you a $500 rock removal fee.

Mike
From brad ******** to Me:

THIS IS SOME FUCKING BULLSHIT

From Me to brad ********:

I am sorry you feel that way, but without the $500 removal fee, we cannot remove the rocks. I realize you must be upset about your shed, so if you like, we can deliver another 4 tons of rocks as our way of apologizing for the shed.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

NO DICKHEAD WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT MORE ROCKS??? DUMBASS
THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT. I DIDNT ASK FOR 8 TONS OF ROCKS AND IM NOT PAYING SHIT. YOU OWE ME FOR THE SHED AND YOU GET THOSE ROCKS THE FUCK OUT OF THERE YOU FUCKING PRICK

From Me to brad ********:

If you aren't paying, then you have to keep the rocks. These are really nice rocks, though. I'm sure you will be able to find use for them. I have a pile of rocks in my backyard and it makes for a great conversation piece. If deer are a problem in your backyard, you can use these rocks to throw at them. They also make great paperweights. There are plenty of things to do with these rocks, so enjoy them.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

im at my house now. where are the rocks?

From brad ******** to Me:

oh FUCK YOU

Bogdan wrote:

This kinda fits in with the title too.

Original ad:
MULTI-DISC CD player wanted
WTB a CD changer that can hold at least 50 CDs. Must be in good condition. Email or call 215-***-****


From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hello,

I am selling my 60-Disc Technics SL-MC4 CD changer. This thing is in
excellent condition and works great. I have included a picture of it.
I'm asking $75 for it. Please let me know if you are interested.

Best,

Mike

Attachments:



From Steve ******* to Me:

Mike, the CD player looks good. Does it have a remote? If so, I can pick it up tomorrow. Where do you live?

Steve

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve,

It does have a remote. Tomorrow works for me, I work in Manayunk near
the hospital and can bring the CD player to work with me. We can meet
anywhere around there in the afternoon.

Just one minor thing though, and I truly am sorry about this, but I
accidentally tripped over the CD player in the dark earlier and chipped
the side of the plastic cover. There isn't a screen there and it does
not affect the performance whatsoever, but I just thought I should let
you know. I've included a picture of the small chip.

Mike

Attachments:


From Steve ******* to Me:

No worries... That is fine. What's your phone number? Mine is 215-***-****.

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve, I'm really sorry, but I accidentally damaged it a little more. I
really should have moved it out of the middle of the hallway, because I
just tripped over it again. Unfortunately I was wearing steel-tipped
boots and cracked the plastic cover around the screen. A few of the
buttons got mashed in as well. You can still play songs 1, 2, 4, 5, 7,
and 9, though. Or just use the remote. It still plays CDs fine, and I've
included a picture of it powered on so you can see that it still works.


Once again, I am terribly sorry about this. I am going to knock $10 off of the price for your inconvenience.

Mike

Attachments:


From Steve ******* to Me:

Could you drop the price down to $50? That looks pretty bad.

From Me to Steve *******:

Sure. It is my fault for tripping over it anyway.

From Me to Steve *******:

Hey, it's me again. I was loading the CD player into my trunk to bring
to work tomorrow, but then my friend called me and I got distracted.
Long story short, I forgot the CD player was behind my car and I
accidentally backed over it a little bit when I went to go to Wawa.
Thankfully I hit the brakes before I crushed anything important, but the
back frame is a little bent.



I assure you that the CD player still works. On the bright side, the car
must have popped that chipped plastic cover off of the front, so now
you can clearly see the real screen. I think it looks better, don't you?
From the front, staring at it head on, you can't even tell that the
back is bashed in like that. Seeing as I improved the looks from the
front, I am going to bump the price back up to $60.

I am going to try my best to bend the metal frame back to the way it was. Once again, I am very sorry about this.

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

Are you kidding me? That thing is ruined. What a freaking klutz you are! How didn't you realize it was behind your car?

From Steve ******* to Me:

Oh, and you have the nerve to charge me MORE money for breaking it worse?

From Me to Steve *******:

Don't worry, I can fix it. I'm working on fixing it right now.

From Me to Steve *******:

Okay, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, the CD player
still works. The bad news is that I was smoking a cigar while I was
trying to repair it, and it accidentally set part of the CD player on
fire.



As you can see from the picture, some of the CD player has melted.
Thanks to my 2 months experience as a volunteer firefighter, my
instincts kicked in and I was able to extinguish the flames with my
coffee before too much of the CD player melted. It still can hold about
33-35 CDs, and all that stuff that melted on the right side wasn't
important anyway.

Unfortunately, I drink expensive coffee and it was nearly full when I
had to use it to put out the fire. Therefore, I am adding another $3 to
the price of the CD player to bring the grand total to $63.

Once again, the CD player still works. I think it sounds even better
than before. It is now in my trunk and ready to be sold to you tomorrow.
I'll give you a call when I have my lunch break so we can meet up for
the sale.

Thanks,

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

You must be stupid if you think I'll pay $63 for the charred remains of
your CD player. I can't believe how badly you managed to fuck that thing
up. How are you still alive? How have you managed to make it this far
in life, when CLEARLY you are too foolish to keep even a CD player from
being burned to a crisp? I really want to know! Please, Mike, tell me.

From Me to Steve *******:

I'm sorry if I upset you by bumping the price up to $63. Let's just call it $60. Deal?

From Steve ******* to Me:

...how are you this dumb?

Bogdan wrote:

This kinda fits in with the title too.