Official Everton Thread

The most successful football team in The People's Republic of Merseysidia, Everton Football Club is a well respected retirement home for ex-Manchester United players, whilst providing a "feeder service" in the opposite direction for their up and coming youth, including England star Wayne "Once a Blue, always a Blue" Rooney. All Everton supporters are born within seven feet of Goodison Park, which often causes problems on match days.

Contents [hide] 1 History 2 The Early Days 3 The Ground 4 The 1930's and the War 5 Post World War Two 6 The Bullseye Champions of Europe 1986 7 Ground Moves 8 Famous 'Players' 9 Famous 'Managers' 10 Current Players 11 Fanbase 12 Club Motto and general evilness

Edit History

• 1878 - Everton formed.
  
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• 2004 As part of an intergalactic treaty, Lescott is the first Klingon to play a professional sport on earth, signing for Everton.
  
• 2006–07 saw Everton finish sixth in the league and attain UEFA Cup qualification.
  
• 2007-08 season - Everton sucks Steven Gerrard's fatass cock
  

Edit The Early Days


Everton, also known as the "The Mints", were founded in 1878 by a local church called St Domingo's Church. It has often been claimed that this was an attempt by the church to curb the influence of baseball
in Merseyside at the time, but in truth had more to do with the
exclusive licensing agreement St Domingo's church had signed with the
Nike Corporation of America. Now with a team, and a kit, St Domingo's
church could sell shirts and make their fortune.
The football club went from strength to strength in the latter
part of the 19th century with famous victories against Preston North
End, seeing Everton win the FA Cup, a win over Wolverhampton Wanders
ensuring League success, and perhaps most famously, the tour of South
Africa in 1879 when Everton single handedly defeated the Zulu
Army at the Battle of Rocky O'Rorkes Drift (after extra time and
penalties) to ensure Everton were the first and only winners of the Zulu
War Cup.
Everton's famous Blue kit was awarded to them as a gift from her majesty Queen Victoria, and the resulting colour change to Blue from Everton's often maligned wasp like black and yellow hoops saw St Domingo's church sign a new kit deal with Puma the following year.

Edit The Ground


Everton was firstly at Anfield until the the owner put up the prices
of the yearly rent to a point where it was to much and then Everton left
Anfield and went to goodison park while most of the team went some
stayed behind and with the owner formed a new football club Liverpool FC
which originally was going to be called Everton Athletics Grounds
Football Club but the FA would not allows this so the used the name
Liverpool instead.
Home games are played currently at Goodison Park, which is in
fact a really really big foosball table, but many people don't realise
that Everton used to play regularly at the ground now occupied by the
other club on Merseyside. However, Everton were forced to move from
Prenton Park, and Tranmere have happily been based there for some years.
After years of discussion, Everton finally announced plans to
redevelop Goodison Park recently. After it was suggested that
demolishing a stand and rotating the pitch by 90 degree would give the
club more space to expand, Everton went one better and in the summer of 2006,
they rotated the pitch by a full 180 degrees. So swift was this change
and so clever was the build quality, many fans have yet to even notice
any changes to the ground. However further redevelopment plans were put
on hold when the club realised that no matter how much they did to their
ground, not being owned by some dodgy foreigner meant that they did not
have the money to build a stadium as planned by other clubs.

Edit The 1930's and the War


Until the 1930's, Everton were the pre-eminent football club in the
country whilst St Domingo's church, owners of the club, went from
strength to strength. In 1920 they launched a range of Everton mints,
with profits from shirt sales and endorsements now from Adidas
firmly in the bag, and St Domingos plc went on to acquire Woolworths
and the General Electric Company with the profits made from their
associated businesses.
In the 1930's, Everton's powers were somewhat eclipsed by the
news kids on the block in the form of Arsenal. People said Everton's
name was insufficiently rude, and that being able to shout "up the
Arsenal", in the austere days of the 1930's depression was the only
cheer some people got. In an attempt to win back favour with fans,
Everton subsequently changed their nickname to "Everton Erections". This
change saw a renewed stiffness to Everton's resolve and they soon were
coming week after week to see the erections dribbling in the box and
shooting all over the pitch.
During this period, Everton had the famous Dixon of Dock Dean
play for them. He was nicknamed Dixie Dean because, as he was Dean of
the School of Economics and Politics at the University of Cambridge's
faculty of intellectual studies (funded now by the St Domingo's
Corporation). He also liked to sing Dixie-land
songs and would sing "Swing Low, Sweet chariot" each time he scored.
Additionally, Dixie is short for Dixon. In one famous game against Aston
Martin Lagona, when scoring a hattrick, the referee was seen to be
crying when he finished the full 5 verses for the third and final time.
He later went on to star in Showboat with Paul Robeson on Broadway. A legend indeed by anyone's reckoning, and his 391 goals in one season is still a record today.
In World War Two,
football was all but suspended in England, and Everton were forced to
form their own regiment in the British Army. Their most successful
fixture being in 1944 when they single handedly held the Germans in an
amazing defensive display at the Battle of the Bulge. Tommy Lawton's
ability to spring the offside trap was probably the decisive factor.
Goodison park is a fortress of a ground

Edit Post World War Two


After the war, success was more limited. Another nickname change
occurred when they reverted back to "The mints", which is where the
modern term "its' Mint" or "he's minted" comes from, referring to
something being good, as indeed were Everton again in the 1980's when
they won several trophies in England and Europe, but famously also took Port Stanley and the surrender of Argentine Forces in the Falklands War of 1982.
St Domingos Church lost interest in the club at this time, having
recently acquired a small company called Microsoft and the club was
bought by theatre Empressario Andrew Lord Lloyd Lord Webber of Lloyd. He
had plans to write a musical about his football experiences at this
time which only partly came to fruition through the wonderful song
"We're all Minty Nuts", released by Timmy Mallett. Unfortunately, this
was never a hit, and was later re-released with greater success by
Freddie Mercury with the changed titlae of "Barcelona", which he sang
with a fat Spanish woman.
In the modern era, Everton have produced a number of top stars,
the most famous of which was Drunken Ferguson, the amazing Scottish
drinking talent who also boxed for Scotland, his local pub and basically
against all comers.
The start of the new millennium saw a new footballing prodigy
come through the youth ranks. Wayne Shrek, famous lover of pensioners
and footballer extrordinaire scored goals for Everton and England.
However, he then discovered that playing for money was more important
than playing for pride. He left Everton shortly afterwards and never
scored a competitive goal for England again.
Everton continue to set the football world new high standards in
football and this year, with their reserve team entered, took up both
places in the Champions League Final before jetting off to Iraq in a final push to end the insurgency in the country.
Everton are the most successful mid-table club in history
managing to spend 129 years of boring, un-successful football in the
English top flight.

Edit The Bullseye Champions of Europe 1986


Everton would have won the European Cup in 1986 sponsored by the TV
series Bullseye if it wasn't for those pesky kopites. Apparently all you
had to do in the 80's was qualify for he European cup and you were
virtully guaranteed to win the competition. Only Everton's bitter rivals
forgot one thing, Bobby Mimms was in goal from mid March of 1986,
virtually gifting the Merseyside Redsocks the league and cup double in
the process. As Jim Bowen said on Bully Bullshit
"THIS IS WHAT YOU CUDDA WON".
ANSWER: "FUCK ALL"
Actually all you need to do is win a penalty shootout. And you
don't ACTUALLY need to qualify for the competition in the first place,
just raise a campaign about having a rightful place in the European Cup
because you used to win thing years ago and despite not having won the
league in nearly 20 years you have a God-given right to be entered into
it automatically.

Edit Ground Moves


Plans by the club to move to the regional capital of Kirkby (famous
as the home of TV Channel QVC) have met with some resistance. However,
after learning that the club is to be renamed the Kirkby Everton Blues,
fans have taken to the idea and Kirby is also to be renamed "Kirkby - The Mecca of the North", in honour of its Mecca Bingo halls. Everton likes cock.

Edit Famous 'Players'

• Barney (Yes, the big purple dinosaur)
  
• Drunken Ferguson
  
• Wayne Shrek
  
• Dixie Dean
  
• Alan Ball
  
• Howard Kendall
  
• Matt Messias
  
• Gary Big Eared Crisp Eater
  
• Barry Scott (of Cillit Bang fame)
  
• Graeme Blunt
  
• Bandy Gray
  
• Brian Laboner
  
• Bob Latchford
  
• K2 (Not the mountain the Samoan Cannibal)
  
• Jim 'The Anvil' Neidhart
  

Edit Famous 'Managers'

• our ba
  
• our ga
  
• our tek
  
• Mick "Where's the Red Light District" McNorfolk
  
• David Moyesie Skelatore
  
• Tom Caff
  

Edit Current Players


The current Everton squad is a mix of Spanish players not good enough for Liverpool, England rejects and 1 really fat Nigerian.
Yakubu "Yak" Aiyegbeni-."The Yak" joined from
Middlesborough in the summer and has since eaten half the food in
Merseyside. Originally hated by Everton fans for not scoring 20 goals in
his first game The Yak became depressed and began to eat, this caused
him to become extremely fat and unable to run. Howevr, this was vital to
Yakubu's success at Everton. Because of his inablity to run Yakubu just
stayed in the box and waited for the ball to come to him. Yakubu began
to score every single rebounded shot Everton got and had the added bonus
of being given pies from the crowd while he was waiting. His trademark
celebration is to run over to the Everton fans and pull out his pie-face
mask, (from dennis the mennis.) He then does his native 'Begging for
donuts' dance while Andy Johnson bends over allowing Yakubu to see his
reflection in Andy's 'Chrome dome' head. He has often been referred to
as a fat purple aki
Joleon "Jolly-On" Lescott- The only real England international Everton have (Phil Neville doesn't count).
Tim "I hate corner flags" Cahill - Everton's best player
after "The Yak", Cahill would be good enough to play for England, if it
wasn't for the fact he plays for England's dirty rejected cousins,
Australia. He usually oversleeps for the first half of the season and
wakes up while Everton are in relegation zone. Cahill will then come
back into the starting lineup and score an average of 5 goals every
0.35 seconds, which is only 1 goal shy of Tottenham Hotspurs keeper Paul
Robinson. He has destroyed a total of 139,305,883,132,456,666,701.5
corner flags in his career as part of his goal celebration.
Everton have several other players but none of them are good enough to receive a mention here.

Edit Fanbase


Everton have a 40000 plus seater stadium that is never full and they
are the people's club. Were as Liverpool have a 45000 seater stadium
that is always full (no scouse supporters apparently).
It is very common for people in Liverpool
to support Everton, even though when you walk around the city you will
find about 5 Everton fans for every one Liverpool fan. Everton
frequently claim that the majority of Scousers choose to support Everton
F.C., stating that people from North Wales, Ireland, London, Norway,
China, Spain, Pakistan, Jamaica, Siberia and John o' Groats support
Liverpool.
Their fans also have a tendency to be bitterly obsessed with
their local rivals Liverpool and blame them for the reason they are so
terribly woeful at football.
Considence? What's one of them you bad kopite wool obsessing
about how scouse your support is while also bleating about "ar arrrd er
iss ter gerra ticckkkkerrr laaaa!"

Edit Club Motto and general evilness


Nil Satis Nisi Optimum (Roughly translated as Alan Wiley is not good enough)

No Everton thread so I did it.

What the fucks going on. Moyes is fed up of watching the team. No money for signings. No one wants to buy them.

Fucked.

Boooooo, going down you bluenose pricks, suck on my fucking balls, Tony Hibbert licks Fellanins arsehole.

There is a thread somewhere but I'd just prefer not to bump it